Lean

1,095 days since my brother passed away. Three years.

Three too many. Three too heartbreaking. Three too surreal. Three too confusing. Three too stressful.

Three years. 1,095 days.

There’s a piece of me that is permanently sad without him. Most of the time it’s a small piece that I can compartmentalize and keep control of. Most of the time it’s manageable. Most of the time I can keep going.

But I’m human. And sometimes I can’t.

Last night I cried so hard that I had a headache within minutes and it took all the restraint in me to not rip my hair out. I missed him hard. Maybe the hardest since the day I found out he was gone. I thought about the specific instances where looking back, I could have done more. It was daunting. I couldn’t breathe. I broke down… I just completely broke down.

But after awhile, I slowed down. I kept breathing. And then I did two things: I accepted the comfort of my boyfriend, and I called my twin sister.

I leaned on someone else so that I could stabilize myself. Stabilize my mind, my aching heart, and my battered body.

The tough part about grief is that it’s so sharp that you don’t want to share it with anyone else for fear of hurting them. It’s too painful. It’s too risky.

But surprisingly, grief also gives us a great opportunity. It allows us to connect with others in a way that is so raw and so real it’s practically impossible to ignore. If your grief is honest and true, it can bring you closer to those you lean on.

Grief can even bring us closer to those who are gone, because in a way, we lean on them, too.

We lean on them to give us signs that they’re still with us in some way, even if they’re signs that no one but us understands.

We lean on them to talk to when we have our quiet, private moments of prayer or reflection where we are absolutely sure that they can hear us.

We lean on them to still be here for us in those milestone moments, even if it’s in a way that’s not what we originally imagined.

We lean on them to protect us as guardian angels in times of strife and hardship.

We lean on them all of the time.

So the next time you find yourself in a dark moment of grief, lean into it.

Let it catch you and cleanse you and bring you closer to whatever and whoever it is that you need to keep yourself going in that moment.

Go ahead, lean. You’ll find yourself standing soon after.

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11 thoughts on “Lean

  1. Hannah says:

    This is written so beautifully you impress me every day my friend! And you make me super proud! You are awesome and don’t ever forget it! Love you . Thomas is smiling down on all of you today and he is counting on you to lean on as much as you are counting on him.

    Like

  2. Carilynn Maw says:

    Beautifully written. It will be one year on the 26th of March that my beautiful 23 year old granddaughter committed suicide and there isn’t a day that doesn’t go by that I do not think of her. She left behind her little boy who was not 2 years old yet. Taking care of him this past year is keeping her with our family. We look in his eyes and see her, his smile and his laugh is so like her. We go on because of him as hard as it is. We know she is our angel in heaven watching over our family. God Bless you.

    Like

    • cheerdummy says:

      Hi Carilynn,

      Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and to leave such a heartfelt comment. I’m truly sorry to hear about the loss of your granddaughter. I can imagine it will be a lifelong grieving process, but it sounds like her little boy is a wonderful blessing to your family.

      I’m sending you positive vibes to get through another day with your head held high.

      Best,
      Katie

      Like

  3. Jessica Bocanegra says:

    It’s been 30 days for me. 30 days since I lost my younger brother. I’m in such a dark place. I smile and laugh but deep down, I’m broken.

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    • cheerdummy says:

      Hi, Jessica. I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your younger brother. Whether it’s been 30 days or 300, it doesn’t change the fact that someone you love is gone. Sometimes three years still seems like three seconds to me.

      To be honest, I think all of us who have lost someone are a little broken. And sometimes you feel the cracks a lot more strongly than other times. I hope you’ll do your best to keep laughing and smiling even though it hurts. The lighter, happier place can still exist. Even if the dark place does, too.

      Here’s a quote that’s always gotten me through the tough times: “on particularly rough days when I’m sure I can’t possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100%. And that’s pretty good.”

      Keep your head up❤

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  4. When I think of my dear mother who passed away in 1977 after losing her battle with cancer and who is for ever in my heart and what Pain she endured in her lifetime. The loss of a baby girl at birth as well as Simions passing at the age of 5 also of cancer and a head on collision which hospitalized her close to 8 months. But she carried on couragesly. Rest In Peace my darling mother. xxxx

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  5. April Hill says:

    This is a way of looking at my brothers passing that I have not thought of. I thank you very much for this I sight. I lost my brother 5 years ago and still hurt every single day. I just want to heal but don’t know how.

    Like

    • cheerdummy says:

      Thanks for taking the time to leave your comment, April. I can relate to your hurt but hope that this new insight and perspective brings you a little extra peace of mind today. xo.

      Like

  6. Dawn says:

    They’re your words, expressing what my heart feels. The out of nowhere, hard to breathe moments are the most difficult. Six and a half years after my brother was taken from us at the hand of another,there are times when it feels like yesterday. Thank you for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

    • cheerdummy says:

      I’m so glad that my words could resonate with you, Dawn, though I’m sad that it’s because of a loss you have had in your life. And you’re right, time sure can trick us sometimes. Hold on to as much of the good as possible 💕 I’m sending you lots of positive vibes. xoxo.

      Like

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